The words ‘Wedding’ and ‘marriage’ are two words to be taken seriously. Weddings are sacred ceremonies and rites of passage not only reserved for the heterosexual community anymore. Two people regardless of gender, in love, with a strong desire to proclaim this love publicly, in the presence of family and friends, in a traditional ceremony legally can and should.
Today, to acquire permission or a same sex license to marry is the easy part. Now, keeping the vows to love, honor and be faithful may be the harder part at least in the story of Tony and Max.
The Day They Met
Tony and Max met in the summer of 2017 at the Fort Lauderdale’s Gay Pride Parade. They were staunch gay republicans and Trump was in the White House; they were elated.
Unbeknownst to the other at the time, both had worked hard campaigning for gay votes and to dispel the notion within the gay community that Trump was homophobic. So, it was no surprise to Tony’s friends at the parade that he was dressed in a red jock strap and red M.A.G.A. hat (Make America Great Again) nor to Max’s friends seeing him in a camouflage colored speedo, US border patrol hat, black harness and carrying a menacing club.
When Tony and Max first locked eyes at the parade they were instantly attracted to one another and could easily identify with each other’s political inclinations. They were smitten.
Needless to say, they were quite unpopular at the parade. They quickly learned the hard lesson that regardless of youth and good looks, or the tightness or roundness of the bubble-butt, if you’re a gay republican in a gay pride parade you will get your ass whooped!
They found themselves clinging to one another for survival, as beer bottles were continuously being hurled at them. As their friends purposely kept a safe distance and egged on the crowds hopping that perhaps a beer bottle could knock some sense into their misguided friends. But no such luck. Instead, they fell in love.
Together and in Love
Fast forward to the summer of 2019, Tony and Max, were still in love, living in Washington D.C. each settled in their chosen or alternative career path. They were working hard and thriving in the epicenter of one of the toughest and most controversial presidencies in US history.
They were resilient in their resolve to support their president no matter what and kept their chins-up in spite of the stream of nutty tweets and hair-raising scandals. They were finding their way and closing in on some goals they set when they first met on that fateful Pride Day Parade.
Max had strayed from finding his passion in civil service after a stint in an entry level job at the White House. He realized that he preferred to be around politics as opposed to being in politics.
He was artistic and had a penchant for planning parties and events which he parlayed into what is now a successful event planning business. With the contacts he made at the White House and his exquisite taste, charm and enveloping charisma he quickly became a well-known events planner to elite politicians. Which was easy to achieve after seeing the spectacular events he had planned and organized for The Administration. Max was doing well and at the top of his game in DC.
Tony however was fumbling in his job as a LGBT Rights lobbyist. He was known among his party congressman for advocating gay-rights bills. Sadly, he’d soon realized they would prefer to hear a cave-dwelling leper championing a Hug-a-leper Law than to hear anything he had to say about gay-rights.
Isn’t the right to marry enough for you people? Was the usual right-wing response he received as he was whisked-away like an annoying fly in the face of someone who noticed it lunching on dog feces earlier.
Tony was ambitious and career minded but lacked two of the most essential qualities absolutely crucial for a successful career in politics, especially as a Grand Ole Party member in Washington, and everyone knew but he. He lacked hetero-sexuality and charisma.
The Engagement Plot
Tony, thinking of ways to further his ambitions came up with a plan, ‘an extravagant gay republican wedding!’
He thought that a wedding created, planned and orchestrated by Max at the height of his popularity was his way in. He knew if he told Max that a wedding was a plot to boost his career and his image in Washington Max would have emphatically given him a resounding, NO!
Max was a romantic and he loved Tony. Tony decided to use Max’s love to his advantage and asked Max for his hand in marriage, in the hopes he’d plan one of his spellbinding storybook wedding that would garner Tony the attention and make the connections he needed with elite DC politicians who’d find the event too irresistible to snub.
The rouse of Tony’s proposal was callous even for Tony, but like all DC politicians, Tony stored his conscience upon arrival to Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport, in a luggage locker and never looked back.
Tony decided to propose and planned a romantic evening. But unlike Max, his planning skills had the surprise, and the imagination of an enema. Tony asked Max out to dinner to his own favorite restaurant and inside the blooming onion Max was to find his greasy engagement ring that could have been confused with a thin strip of aluminum foil. Soon after the lucky find Tony was on bended knee proposing while surrounded by the clueless restaurant waiting staff who for lack of a better song, sang, ‘For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow.’
Max couldn’t help thinking, ‘how in the world I could have fallen in love with such a lovable hillbilly?’ But the truth was that he was in love with Tony and he was happy to accept his proposal, and the man exactly as he was.
Max was giddy thinking all of his dreams were falling into place. Max was that sad cliche we’ve often heard of that little girl (boy) who pranced and twirled in a worn-out princess dress as a child with head full of fantasies of one day finding his Prince Charming, and started then planning the fairy-tale wedding of their dreams. And Max like most single ladies who donned the princess dress and the fantasy, in the world today, in lieu of Prince will gladly take frog.
Max was over the moon announcing to the world his engagement to Tony. He would have had announced it in skywriting if he could but at the risk of having the aircraft shot down, he would settle for sending elegant engagement announcements along with the save-the-date’s by mail. The wedding was in six months and as far as Tony was concerned the day couldn’t come soon enough.
With Tony and Max, we get an inside look at what could happen minutes before the storybook dream wedding, and the decisions you could be forced to make in the heat of a bad moment. Which, begs the question, did they want a marriage or a wedding?
The Night Before the Wedding
The grooms agreed not to see each other the day before the wedding. Max was very specific if not precise about how he wanted the wedding. He would have controlled the sun, moon and stars on ‘his day’ if he could.
Max, as Tony predicted managed and controlled every detail and aspect of his wedding, and it was going to be spectacular. He outdid himself in the planning and execution of what was already hailed by local gossip columnists as the most lavish affair Washington had ever and will ever see. But as perfectly planned as it would be there were two things Max couldn’t endeavor to control
– life nor his emotions.
The Bachelor Party
Max and his friends all gathered the night before the wedding in a lavish suite at a posh hotel closest to the ceremony’s venue. Among the close-knit group of friends celebrating with Max his last night of bachelorhood were the very popular and hilarious DC drag comic duo known as Hillary Clitoris and Georgias Bush. As well as, Max’s besties, coincidentally also drag queens, and dressed in full drag regalia. His best man, Donna Tramp and her still blushing bride, Melanoma Tramp. Along with Max’s oldest and dearest friend known around the drag circuit as ‘The First Lady’, Miss Mia Obama.
Max was happy and honored that they would put their political opinions and their general distaste for Tony aside and be there for him on the most important occasion of his life. Regardless of anything they loved Max and Max loved them. And, Predictably, the crates of Crystal Champagne were being hauled into the suite where of course much to Max surprise and dismay a bachelor party ensued.
The party was in full swing, and although Max had said he preferred a small gathering instead, he had to admit that he was having a great time. There was laughter, singing, dancing, drinking and carousing. The drag queens all took turns lip-syncing to a laundry-list of Max’s favorite songs and they took turns performing little skits for Max.
Suddenly, a knock at the door revealed an anticipated guest (or guests) that would take the party to a whole new level. Standing at the door packing huge double D sized breast cups filled with powdery white party favors was none other than the queen of all queens. The popular DC drag queen (and to Max’s surprise an apparent drag-dealer to boot). The incomparable Nancy Ragin’ who was invited to perform her new club remix hit song entitled, ‘Just Say Yes!’ At the sight of Nancy Ragin’ everyone shrieked in delight and screamed out in gleeful unison, ‘JUST SAY YESSS MAMMA!’As fingers snapped wildly in the air in drag homage. Max was happy to meet her and thrilled to have her perform at his party.
Along with Nancy Ragin’ was another one of Max’s surprises of the evening. Another popular DC personality well-known in the DC nightclub underworld for his ‘rent-boy’ reputation and a list of satisfied customers as long as his member. The stripper, go-go boy, escort from Mexico and illegal immigrant known as Donkeyboi Pepe.
After Hillary Clitoris’ and Georgias Bush hilarious side-splitting comedy skit, Max started to cringe at the thought of what was next. And cringe he would, as the stripper music was on, and Max was dragged to the center of the room and forced in a chair, while Donkeyboi cranked-up the sound of his speakers high and chose the song ‘Anaconda’ to begin his seductive dance. He dry-humped, grinded and teased Max while the queens howled like starving wolves in heat begging him to strip, until Donkeyboi Pepe finally exposed the reason for his legendary name. And wagged his enormous manhood inches from Max’s mortified face.
After a short while the party died down. All had gone and only Max’s dearest friends were left. The ones that remained Max considered his real friends, his chosen family, and moreover, his drag-sisters. Although, Tony and Max had a large and diverse group of friends, Max preferred above all the company of his drag-sisters. Max was always overly concerned and preoccupied about what other people thought, and so being with them provided him a safe place to be himself and feel free.
Anecdotes and Stories
‘Time for some serious Kiki and spilling the T’ (i.e. girl talk). Miss Mia Obama said as if to call a meeting to order. This was the part of the night Max was looking forward to the most. He deeply anticipating his life with his soon-to-be husband, so he welcomed stories of married gay couples. They all took turns either with personal stories or gossip of unhappily married couples and violently bitter divorces. Or with less encouraging topics as the conversation deteriorated to cheating spouses, open relationships, thrupple’s (i.e. polyamorous relationships), and escorts to spice-up the marital bed. The unnerving conversation gave Max pause to question his decision to marry.
He tried to shrug off the doubts that began introducing themselves relentlessly in his mind by convincingly saying to them and to himself that although those sad situations may befall the lives of other gay couples, he felt confident in the love they shared and their level of commitment to one another. They’d never face nor succumb to those unconventional and desperate perversions. They laughed.
Melanoma Tramp in an attempt to change the subject began to recall an article she read about a bride who minutes before the wedding discovered her fiancee was cheating, and had been the entire length of their engagement. Donna Tramp interjected quickly in hopes that the distraction of her interruption could block the insensitive words of Melanoma’s story from entering Max’s ears. However, they did, and Max’s mood changed from a smidgen of doubt, to panic mode. He had entered or ushered in to the commonly known phase of grooms-to-be of cold-feet.
Suddenly, Max was up on his feet distressed and walking out of the room deep in thought wondering what he was about to do. He realized as doubts started to creep-in that perhaps marriage was not as appealing to him as the wedding.
His friends understood the anxiety was due to cold-feet, especially his best man, Donna Tramp, who also had a bout of the cold-feet fears just hours before her wedding to Melanoma.
So, she followed him to the privacy of the next room to calm him with soothing words and sound advice. Donna began to speak about the blessings of marriage and explained to Max how true love was hard to find especially in today’s world. Then reasoned with Max saying, ‘honey a man like Tony is hard to find. Someone that loves you enough to propose at Outback? Engagement ring in a blooming onion? While serenaded by a chorus of waiters, ‘For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow?’ Honey he is a keeper baby! You snatch him up before another thirsty queen beats you to it!’ Then followed it by adding, ‘hopefully, in your case, ’till death do you part’ won’t be so long… then we’re talking big bucks… widow money!’ They both laughed at her words dripping with sarcasm and disdain for Tony.
Max could not help but wonder what would happen if he were making a mistake. What if the marriage failed? Seeing that he was still deeply concerned and choosing to support Max instead of acting on her secret desire to save him from the huge mistake she felt Max was making, came up with a grand idea, and quickly excused herself for a few minutes. She went back to the room where the other guests were in search of something. Everyone looked at her in anticipation of any news about what was going on. She explained in brief that everything was okay before dashing out again.
Upon arriving back Donna Tramp could see that Max was at the verge of tears. She handed Max his phone, and they both understood that the best thing Max could do was to call Tony. The love of his life. Tony was the only one who could be of any help, by reassuring him of the love that they shared.
The Phone Call
When Max’s name lit up Tony’s phone, he knew right away that it had to be an urgent matter. Max was never one to break rules and call after agreeing not to see each other nor speak before the wedding.
Upon answering, Max began with an apology before explaining about the doubts and fears that were loitering his mind. Tony on the other hand was baffled by what was happening. He thought the decision was made, and was a bit worried if not disturbed about Max’s insecurity. He wanted, needed and counted on this wedding.
‘Two years is a long time to be with anyone to be unsure the night before the wedding don’t you think?’ Tony made a point of bringing that to Max’s attention. Then he began to reassure Max and relieved him of his doubts by asserting his passionate love for him. And, made promises that he would do his best to keep him happy. He went ahead to explain that he was his perfect choice and he was lucky to have him as his husband.
After a few minutes, Max was feeling much better and thought it best to stop talking before Tony ran out of words that he would need to save for reciting his vows at the altar. Max felt like a little boy in love again. Donna Tramp had mixed emotions about acting against her instincts to save a friend preferring to save the wedding instead. To quiet her conscience, she swore to herself and made a solemn oath to be a much better friend at the divorce.
They both rejoined the group and the pre-wedding follies when Max’s phone lit up with a text message. Max decided to ignore the text as he was busy with a champagne flute in hand waiting for Georgias Bush to fill it. He handed his annoying phone to ‘HillClit’ (their nickname for Hillary Clitoris) for safekeeping. However, the phone knew better than to keep silent. Max could see at a distance how his cell phone continued to blow-up and lit up all night like a Christmas tree, but Max decided it could wait until the morning.
The Morning of The Wedding
On the morning of the wedding, Max was all smiles perhaps a little high from the nights festivities but nonetheless he was seemingly happy, without a care. He was excited about being the center of attention on his wedding day and about this new step.
As expected, Max still curious about last night’s texts, he took his phone back from HillClit. As Max looked around the room, he noticed everyone getting dressed in drag knowing that the dress code was black-tie. Max was angry but decided to check his texts before throwing a bitch-fit. He saw the text from an unknown person and read every text that followed.
The texts all told a sordid story of betrayal that went back almost a year, attached were the pics and screenshots to prove the veracity of the texts. He began to shake wildly, face flush red and began to sweat profusely from the shock and disbelief.
He immediately recognized the unknown texter, as last night’s Mexican stripper, Donkeyboi Pepe. And, came to the frightful realization that last night’s stripper was more than familiar to his fiance than to him. His world stood still as he read further.
Max abruptly walked out on his friends yet again and went to the bathroom and in private read each message and studied every screenshot sent which also included naked selfies of Donkeyboi Pepe. By that point, having stripped a few hours ago it was unnecessary to see the (chimichanga) Tony was getting.
Max’s ego felt deflated as every word he read in those texts echoed loudly in his ears. The texts and the pictures felt like a knife thrust into his chest cavity which by then was an already open wound with the Xxx large knife of Donkeyboi’s penis being twisted back and forth mercilessly. Max could easily see the texts spanned from several months back to only a few days prior to today. Max realized that there was no way that he could doubt the legitimacy of the messages as little moments began to add up.
Tears were freely flowing from his eyes as he shuddered with each word. Unable to absorb it all, he threw his phone against the wall in anger and wept softly so the others wouldn’t hear. Fifteen minutes later, his friends became even more concerned and began knocking on the door.
Time for a Wedding
Max came out of the bathroom and sat on his bed to settle himself. He felt lost and uncertain about everything, but he wasn’t about to call the wedding off. He reassured the queens getting dressed in the next room that he was alright and exclaimed, ‘it’s time for a wedding!’
He stood up and, on his feet, and began to dress himself. He grabbed his working-but-cracked phone and walked out of the room determined to exit the hotel alone and armed with a plan. The sadness had subsided and now he could feel his blood boiling. He refined his plan deciding he would face the situation with his loyal sisters, they knew how to bring the house down if need be.
Keeping everything to himself for the moment, and not knowing what to say, afraid of breaking down in hysterics. He watched as they got dressed without an expression, no smile, no facade, no excitement, nothing whatsoever. Then as Max grabbed his keys and headed for the door he turned and said, ‘come dressed ready to bring the house down. I want you guys to serve it and make’em eat it!’
Everyone looked puzzled at Max’s request, if anything they were expecting a lecture for not following dress code demands. They looked at each other bewildered at Max’s somber mood and his odd words and request. Until, Melanoma screamed, ‘Oh damn!’ Then followed it by saying that she had just noticed a text from Donkeyboi Pepe. He copied her with the exact same things he sent Max about him and Tony ongoing ‘business’ affair. As she shared the information, they began to understand what Max was trying to say and what he wanted, and they were more than happy to oblige.
Max knew he had nothing more to lose. The two years together were already behind him, and nothing he could do would erase those memories, nor could he ever get the monies spent on the wedding returned. And, what to do with the republican contingency waiting for an extravagant gay conservative wedding? He was visibly tormented by the thought of his and Tony’s friends and family that traveled from afar to gather for their wedding.
Max could not believe that Tony, the man whom he had wholeheartedly loved and devoted his whole life to, could throw such a devastating painful blow. He couldn’t stop thinking about Donkeyboi last text that said, ‘I wouldn’t marry him if I were you.’ Max thought it should have read, ‘I wouldn’t kill him if I were you.’ But Max decided on a better course of action to settle the score.
Max in preparation for what was about to unfold, replaced the traditional wedding march with Billy Idols song, ‘White Wedding’. Then asked his wedding coordinator to lose the baby pictures set to ooh. and ahh. guests and shown above the altar on the overhead projector and replaced them with the pictures, screenshots and texts he had received from Donkeyboi Pepe.
Max decided to sit his parents down and, in their stead, chose Donna Tramp and Miss Mia Obama to walk down the aisle. Without a minute to spare, he explained about the texts and Tony’s affair with Donkeyboi Pepe. Donna said they already knew everything; Melanoma’s received a copy of the texts too. So, now that they were all caught up on the T (i.e. truth) Donna looked at Max’s eyes with tenderness and empathy and asked if he was OK and asked how he was feeling? Miss Mia interrupted them, ‘we ain’t got time for this Steal Magnolia bull-crap we got a wedding to wreck and a trifling no good cockroach to whoop. So, lets hit it!’ They couldn’t help laughing at Miss Mia when she goes full ghetto banshee.
Max could see Tony at a distance standing at the altar worried. Tony knew something was terribly wrong and something ominous was about to go down.
The President is a Tramp
Donna Tramp took the lead as soon as the music started. She walked down the aisle with the strut and confidence of a high-priced-hooker, then with one tug she pulled her dress completely off her body together with wig in a reveal and tossed both at the republicans she hated most. Exposing her partially naked and grossly overweight body as if it were a thing of beauty to behold. She was left with a skimpy tight orange one-piece bathing suit with what seemed like orange Styrofoam glued to it contoured and painted orange to resemble a Cheeto. The wig she revealed was a thinning blond combover, much like the presidents.
Donna Tramp in an instant transformed into Trump. The illusion was made more amazing by her stopping at mid-runway to apply orange tanner from a compact. People couldn’t help but laugh, even those that shouldn’t or couldn’t did. Then she started back up the runway towards the altar tweeting proudly from her cell phone and laughing at her own stupid tweets.
Some guests howled in outrageous laughter, and others seemed offended. Max heard a few whispering gay-slurs and hateful words about Donna. Max couldn’t be bothered as his focus was on Tony’s face and his humiliation was his revenge.
MISS OBAMA TOO
Then down went Miss Mia. Max new hellfire was about rain. Miss Mia being African American and a gay transsexual of immigrant Kenyan parents no less, loved Obama and despised the current administration’s criticisms of him, their undermining and belittling his wonderful eight-year scandal-free contribution to America and Americans.
After a few steps, Miss Mia tore off her clothes too. With one strong pull she was naked, and she cast her close on Tony’s side of the wedding aisle for good measure. Her wig soon followed. She was standing in mid-aisle naked and looking fierce. Her body was painted to look like a slave wrapped in thick chains up to her neck. Then from her purse she pulled out a crown of thorns like Christ’s and put on the crown then threw the purse across the room as she stared shamming everyone.
The message was powerful for those who understood it. As a black slave in bondage she was protesting a government that reverted to racism. The crown of thorns represented the racist president responsible for the racist revival. As well as exposed Trump’s delusional idiocy of being god’s prophet and attempt to fraudulently mislead people with evangelical false prophets. It was a powerful message and proved more powerful as every republican with the desire to keep their jobs ran for the door.
Those that stayed were the people Max cared about. They were the people he would have invited if not for Tony. And they were all living for the show that they’d just witness. They were awed by the surprise, costumes, execution and the message, but were mystified as to why. So, now it was Max’s turn to literally be the showstopping performance.
Max Walks Down the Aisle
With his head held high, eyes in a deadlock with Tony’s. He arrives at the front cleared his throat and gave his assistant the nod to start the overhead projector. The first slide began with the words, ‘A DUPLICITOUS CHEAT.’
Max began reading the texts as written, ‘This weekend Pepe, you and me, baby! Max has got nothing on you!’ The slides revealed screenshots and pictures of the meaning of those words. Max continued, ‘I can’t wait to have you, with me, atop me and inside me.’ And cringe-worthy slides that evidenced exactly that. ‘Baby, you are so big, and you know how to use every inch! I wish my BF was hung like you and had half your skills in bed.’ Max didn’t hold anything back and read it aloud word for word.
Gasps could be heard with each word, as well as the sniffles of tears. And those that thought Max’s broken heart was funny, laughed.
The Green Mile
Tony feeling the pressure and the humiliation, seeing his career crumbling, dreams dead, his future in politics ruined, relationship over, everything he worked disappeared in the flash of a moment. All gone!
Tony looked pale as a ghost, gasping for air and literally drowning in shame. He attempted to deflect, say it wasn’t true, and that Max was lying or was the victim of vicious fake news. When, Miss Mia jumped up from her chair and said, ‘What? FAKE NEWS? REALLY? DAMN REPUBLICANS THUGS AND THEIR FAKE NEWS! You about to catch a Miss Mia ASS-WHOOPING and I guarantee that’s REAL NEWS!’ She then showed Tony her phone and said, ‘do you need a ride? Because I can call a Donkey that for the right price might give you another booty-ride out of here before Miss Mia forgets she’s a lady and kicks your trifling white gay republican ass outta here, or maybe you prefer he tell everyone here how you loved his services before!’
Even Tony understood the threat in her words were real and promised another heaping serving of more embarrassment and humiliation.
Then Max said, ‘Tony the only fake anything in this room is you!’
Unable to defend himself further and caught red-handed in his web of lies and deceit, Tony had to acquiesce defeat and bolted for the door as fast as he could. He left exactly as he arrived- a coward. Leaving everyone completely baffled.
Afterward, Max addressed his guests, ‘I think you’ve all might have gathered, there won’t be a wedding today.’ The statement of the obvious after the gay drama they witnessed was too funny not to laugh.
After the laughter and awkwardness over, Max expressed his love to all in attendance and thanked them for gracing his occasion with their presence. He read a quote aloud, ‘Be grateful that life has the courage that you lack in removing harmful people from your path.’ And, then announced enthusiastically an invitation to party. A celebration of truth, honor and above all gratitude for life.
Miss Mia yelled out, ‘HALLELOO and AMEN to THAT!’ Which caused more laughter then thunderous applause which was the inspiration Max needed to find joy even in his misfortune, and the strength to party with his guests. He also decided in the spirit of gratitude to call Donkeyboi Pepe to thank him and invite him to the celebration, where they would party until the break of dawn.
Time Heals All Wounds
Six months later, there was another wedding, a small and meaningful ceremony. Max and Donkeyboi Pepe fell in love and decided to marry. A wedding with immediate friends and family, for a humble celebration of love.
The wedding took place in El Paso, Texas. Pepe’s family lived in Chihuahua, Mexico, so it was easy to cross and attend the wedding. Max and Pepe were eager to have everyone they cherished to celebrate their wedding with them, so, they invited their wedding guests all expenses paid.
And another invitation was extended to all of Pepe’s family and friends yearning for ‘The American Dream’ to stay after the wedding. Max, once in favor of the wall, now thought, ‘SCREW THE WALL!’
They Lived Happily Ever After